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Why do young men become incels?  

The alarming rise of the “incel” (involuntary celibate) community has sparked significant concern. Incels are one part of ‘the manosphere’, a network of misogynistic, anti-feminist, and often extreme subcultures. But what draws young men into these toxic online spaces?  

Many young men find themselves struggling with romantic failure and rejection as teenagers. These experiences are not uncommon, but what’s crucial is how boys interpret this rejection.  

Some will take this to mean that this girl isn’t the right romantic partner for them and move on, others may self-reflect and engage in personal growth. But some may look to blame the girl, finding fault in her, or view the situation as unfair. 

The latter view can come from subtle but consistent messages in our society about gender roles and relationships between men and women. Popular culture consistently promotes the narrative that male persistence and “doing the right things” will inevitably lead to romantic success. These messages are a sexist, misogynistic, and often homophobic, interpretation of dating and relationships.   

The manosphere provides more concentrated versions of these same messages, telling boys they’ve been rejected because: 

•  They aren’t the right type of masculine to attract women’s baser ‘instincts’  

• Feminists have ‘falsely’ empowered women to say ‘no’ 

Incels will add that there’s nothing you can do about this. The incel community provides the sometimes appealing idea that the world is rigged against you. The reason you’ve been rejected is nothing to do with you but because of a girl’s unfair expectations. It is easier to blame external factors than engage in uncomfortable self-reflection. 

The incel movement taps into boys’ anxiety around rejection and the pressure they can feel to be a certain type of man who is big and muscular, makes a lot of money, and can physically defend himself and others.  

In this online community boys will find validation for their feelings, solidarity with other boys, and ultimately a place to belong. In these spaces, misogynistic rhetoric flourishes, and the narrative that feminism and women’s sexual agency are responsible for their woes becomes ingrained. Incels believe they are owed romantic and sexual attention, and when it is not given, they view this as an injustice, often leading to anger and resentment towards women. This clear explanation, combined with a target for their frustrations — women — offers young men an enticing, but extremely harmful, sense of community. 

As boys continue to consume this content and spend time in this community they may, through a process of desensitisation, become ready to enact violence against women, both online and off. 

Incel culture thrives on boys who have unmet expectations of romantic and sexual relationships and view themselves as personally suffering from social rejection. It offers them a community and an explanation for their rejection which resonates with many vulnerable young men.  

To make sure boys are less vulnerable to radicalisation we must equip them with the tools to process rejection and disappointment in healthy ways, and provide non-judgemental spaces for boys to think critically about gender roles, sex, and relationships. Supporting young men to redefine masculinity on their own terms, rather than through the narrow, harmful lens presented by the incel movement, is crucial in fostering healthier attitudes towards gender, relationships, and themselves. 

To learn more about incels and young people’s experience of extreme misogyny read Many Good Men. Or listen to our podcast episode on how such misogyny impacts boys.